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summer lust ain't got a thing
on winter romance.
and I'm missin' those kisses in the snow
and someone brushin' the leave outta my hair.
Sometimes I feel like I gotta climb on the tallest tree
to the highest brach
to catch a view of the flora
filled with the fauna.
See the millions of other fish
my mama said I'm bound to catch.
But from where I'm looking
I just see a billion blurry faces
to whom
I'm just one
of a thousand fleeting moments.
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I hope what I fear won't happen. But I'd rather deal with you then, then not have the oppurtunity to deal at all. I'll start off in the Chinese Room, with Sam by my side.
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I'm stereotypical. Late on the second day of school, skipping on the first. She's evil that girl, I can only predict and after-school special, something with dramatic liking, and sitting alone at lunches.
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Disgusting. I thought you would wait for love, but you've turned into everyone else... All the people we used to hate.
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Not memorable, or worth the effort. More of a filler, to keep the air heavy. I keep feeling-glazy eyed, watching the leaves blow under my car. Not ready for change, but maybe I should start actually answering Doug's persistent phone calls. And spend the night when I'm sober.
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All of this feels harder than I thought. I'd kill just to have a little moment of complete understanding between my parents, my friends, my personal life. Im so torn , I'm so bad at balancing the things that never needed double checking before. I think im being stretched too thin.
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7/11. Boyfriend. Its so strange/nice. I forgot what it was like to have someone offer to pick you up. We climbed the water tower, and he kept me calm. But he's so different, so relaxed. LIke he'll keep me sane, like he already has.
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impossibly high standards. but worse than that, is that eating sushi was painful. I'm sticking to soup and jello, pudding and pasta. But  my sutures ache. Popping vicadin and new dvds of gilmore girls periodically, to cope with the healing process. I missed the fireworks, but I'm a traditionalist anyways. You keep thinking, and buzzing, but at the end of the day my mother is the only one who can tell me who I want. And then i look the oppostie direction. i need to remember sunday afternoon bowling, and never to leave cash in evnvelopes.
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I'm losing track of the days. And I keep accidentlly neglecting people. But picking up the phone is hard work when I'm trying to be a professional hermit.
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Am I really that obvious? But more importantly, you are not.
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better. better. better. crushes crushes crushes.
I've been hangingout a lot wtih the Treciak's. I'm so glad I reconcilled with Alie. But I learned so much about Isa. Tomorrow all the girls are going to get dinner and dress up since school is going to be over. I have this fantastic urge to dye my hair red again and go skinny dipping.

I've been contemplating telling him everything. But I'm too practical to think in terms like that. I'll settle for rita's with mr. baseball.

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its been a while since
someone else made me feel
desired.
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You are just like everyone else.
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Update: I met Rachel. She was super cute. And I ripped the knee of my jeans playing ultimate. I stayed up until 5AM walking around the track with Mr. Kamor at Realy for Life. I'm playing rugby next year, I miss it too much. On a side note, THIS WEEKEND IS GONNA FUCKING ROCK.

i can hear the jimmy buffet already.

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It DID feel like a field trip. After months and months of just waiting for your new true colors coming through, you've become dead to me. And now you're dead to everyone else too. I'm just waiting for you evaporate completely so I can finally breathe deep.
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man, everyone sucks at sticking around. is fading away the new trend? today i made molds of my hands. It felt symbolic. Tomorrow I'm gonna be actress and look at art. I'm looking forward to summer. And French Creek. And my party. But really, id like a little more substance here and there. Sometimes I love people so much I want to burst.
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my heart feels heavy
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I am hands down ridiculously happy.
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One of the few things I know for sure, is that being young has its benefits. And though right now, nothing is perfect, I'm happier right now then I was when I was thinner or prettier or with straighter hair and whiter teeth. When I was little, I measure people's happiness by their beauty. I always assumed my mother was blissful. And as I got older, the importance and understand of beauty is still vauge to me. I still can't really grasp how much of it affects me and how much of my life i dictated by what other see in me. When I was younger, I never wanted to be beautiful. I was raised believing I was beautiful, I was raised to believe that it was a problem beneath me. Really, I could never answer the question of whether I was beautiful. For years I went through life in a haze of simple ignorance to vanity. My childhood was only slightly tainted by being the ugly duckling with the cute best friend. It was only until middle school when I grew up, when my body followed suit, that I understood the power of being attractive held. Before I thought humor and personality dictated life, I thought intelligence steered your path, but I was viciously wrong. You couldn't take over the world with beauty, but you sure as hell could manipulate it. 

So my question is.. when does beauty more than everything else? In those instant moments when your brain scans and makes an opinion of someone before you have the chance to realize what your synapses are doing- you have no control of becoming attracted. I'm not sure what I'm trying to prove or dissprove, all i wonder,  is that if I spent my whole life being outrageously beautiful, would things be differnt? Would i lack my humor, my vitality. would I lose my spark to the power of my beauty? or is personality something so embedded, so severe that nothing can lose sight of its power.

I'd like to believe that no matter what the circumstance, I would remain exactly who I am inside. yeah, I really would.
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Today Jeremy Keyes brought in pizza for the table because he lost a bet. I feel content. I shut off my phone today and spent the afternoon talking about boys with Mrs. Piccerella. We stayed up in her barn eating sushi with Rebecca and picking out literature for me to read. The house is filled with cats and sunlight and happy people. When I grow up I want my house to be conitunally filled with light, people, cats, painting, books, and goregous clothes. I want to eventually make a studio and sit around all day long and throw on the wheel and listen to music and go outside. I want to go to Museums all the time and have Snapple Lemon Tea on tap and travel everyone all the fucking time. Today I saw Mrs. Barker and she told me about her trip to Chile and Peru and Panama and told her about Russia, White Nights, Fabrege Eggs, and the Hermitage. I want to see everything, I want to feel everything. My life is not organized in the slightest and I love it. My life is emotional and raw and not perfect and I wouldnt have it any other fucking way. Im so glad my mom is my best friend. I'm so glad Alana will come home soon from Canada. Im so glad I didnt give up.
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